Stay another day
by izzthewolf
Summary: This is my first fan fiction. So basically this is after the hunger games, its told from Peeta's point of view. (mostly) he and Katniss are together, till something threatens to rip them apart. Peeta is struggling to erase the images the capitol placed in his head. So, read and review! Apologies in advanced for mistakes and just generally bad writing. :) tee hee.
1. Chapter 1

Stay another day

I walk along the edge of the trees, by the sparkling lake. The leaves are orange, and brown. Like fire, like her, like the way she makes me feel. Like the girl I almost lost my life for. The girl I'd give my life for over and over again. Katniss.

Her name sends a wave of butterflies into my stomach and my heart dances for her. Every time that name escapes my lips; I get that intense, burning passion for her. The leaves crunch under foot and the water laps against the shore. My breath mists in the air. I see her then.

She's lying against the leaves, lying with her hair spread around her. This is one of the only times I've seen her hair not confined to the tight brown plait. It spills onto the ground and reflects the sunshine of a crisp autumn morning. Her eyes sparkle.

I approach her, and smile. I'm never not smiling when I'm with her.

' That's an odd place to be cloud gazing'. I say.

'If you can't take strangeness then one, why are you with me, and two you're perfectly welcome to walk away. So kindly shut up and go away. Or you could come and sit with me. Your choice'. She doesn't look at me as she speaks, but I hear the smile in her voice.

Without another word I plonk down on the leaves and lie down next to her. We don't speak for a while. But she takes my hand and I hold it tight. Her body curves next to mine, and I can feel the thudding of her heart. Her breath tickles my cheek. She smells like the forest. I want to just stop time, freeze the moment and lay down in the forest forever. Next to the lake, with the golden leaves and the birds. And next to her. Forever near enough for me to reach out and hold her.

I love her. I would yell it to the heavens if I needed to. But I don't. They already know. She is mine. I am hers. It is that simple, happiness you find when you are with the only one you could ever be with. I love the way she laughs; I love the way she looks when she's angry, and the way I feel when she's next to me. I can never lose her. We went through so much. Nothing can part us. Ever again. I think of who she once was. That harsh, beautiful cold girl. The girl who hated to be saved.

She is still her, but she isn't afraid of emotion anymore. I like to think that that is because of me. I hold her closer, and whisper into her hair,

'I love you'

And the she turns to me at last, and gazes at me with those grey eyes, so bright they're almost silver. And in her gaze she says more than she ever could with words. She leans into me, and our lips meet. Her lips are warm and soft and gentle. My eyes close and once again I savour the feel of her in my arms, my hand is in her hair, I always thought her hair would be rough. It's not. Its soft and shiny and silky as my hand runs through it. We break apart and our eyes flutter open, she gently leans her beautiful head forward and it rests on my chest, right beside my heart. We lie there and her breathing gets heavier, more rhythmical. I realize she is asleep. I study her face and once again I take in every freckle I already have memorised. I look at the tiny scar on her upper lip. Her breath makes the tiny strand of hair resting over her mouth jump softly. I laugh softly. I don't ever believe the capitol could twist such a beautiful memory.

I don't believe they turned me against her. But now we are together. That's all that matters. I gaze into her face. I don't know how long I gazed, but when she woke it was late afternoon. I see the way she looks at me, and when she leans forward, I'm almost smiling too much to kiss her.

Almost.

She stands. She looks at me, and stretches out her hand. I take it and let her lift me up. We stand there for a moment, and look at each other. She releases my hand and kisses my cheek. It tingles. 'I have to go,' she whispers.

'Don't leave'. I beg.

'I have to. Prim will be waiting'.

It hurts me to watch her leave. It makes my heart burn into embers, and it feels like my soul leaves me. She is the only reason I live. And yet every time she's not with me, this crashing depression thuds against my head. I see those things again. The things the capitol put into my head. And reality and fiction mixes up once more.

I see her kiss gale. That's not real. Is it? I see her face morphing into a mutt, and it savagely rips me apart and laughs while I bleed my life away. No. No, not real, please let it be not real. I see her helping me, then pushing me down again. I see her laugh as the capitol lead me away. I see the knife in her hand, trying to find my heart. I see the cruelty in her eyes as she stabs me, and leaves me there and walks off with gale. Not real, not real, make it stop.

I realize I'm rocking back and forth, crying out. I see her telling me it was all a game. That she never loved me. Wait, no, no, that's real. She was cruel and vicious. Maybe it's all real. She wants to hurt me. She's evil. I see her sick smile at my pain. I see her and me by the tracks. I try to talk to her; she pushes me to the track and leaves me there to die. It hurts. Oh the pain. Make it stop, it hurts, stop, stop.

She never gave a damn. She tried to kill me in the hunger games. We only survived because the capitol was merciful. No. That's not real. But what is. Where is the line between fiction and reality? Where is the line between bitterness and insanity? All she ever did was hurt.

She doesn't care. She's only going to hurt me again. I'm crying now. It's night. Nobody's missing me though. Nobody cares if I go and never come back. Even she doesn't care. That selfish, manipulative girl. The one who only wants to hurt.

I look up, and see those evil grey eyes staring at me. But wait, what? In her eyes I see pity. Why does she pity me? Evil doesn't pity the weak. Katniss leans down towards me. That monster takes my hands. It hurts when she touches me. I snap my hand away.

'Peeta…' she says, almost gently. But I know she just wants to hurt me.

'GO AWAY. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS HURT ME. YOU DON'T CARE. STOP PRETENDING. YOU DON'T CARE. YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN. SO JUST GO AWAY.'

I scream with that animal, insane anger that has been pent up inside of me all this time. She looks at me, and I see hurt in her eyes. I see the confusion, the hurt, and finally an odd look of understanding.

'Peeta… ' She pleads again. But I am not done yet.

'YOU TRIED TO KILL ME. YOU TOOK MY LOVE AND THREW IT AWAY. YOU JUST RAN BACK TO GALE. YOU SET THE MUTTS ON ME. YOU PUSHED ME TO THE TRAIN TRACKS AND LAUGHED WHILE I STRUGGLED'. My voice cracks.

She looks so hurt. I don't know why I suddenly feel bad.

'Peeta,' she whispers, as she takes my hand, 'Not real'.

I look at her and know she speaks the truth. I remember her saving me. I remember how beautiful she is. I remember I love her. I break down in tears. I hold her hand tight. I lean against her and sob. Like a little kid. But I know she will not judge me. She just holds me. All my anger is gone. Replaced with a horrible, wrenching guilt. I whisper hoarsely

'I'm sorry.'

And she looks at me, and as we sit under the stars by the lake, I know she forgives me. As long as she's here, I know she'll forgive me.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

My brush touches the canvas so delicately. I hold it as gently as I would hold her. I'm sitting in the forest again. I haven't been here for weeks since it happened. My breakdown. Katniss says it's not my fault. But I still feel guilty. I still feel ashamed. She seemed quieter than usual for days after that. Every time she looked at me I remembered the hurt in her eyes. It haunts my dreams. I hate to hurt her.

She is standing in front of me now. She is doing archery target practice. I love the way she looks with a bow. I'm painting her as she shoots with such precision it takes my breath away. She is so still, her breathing so rhythmical. I love the way she frowns slightly with the concentration. I watch her every move. She is so focused she doesn't notice. I dip my paintbrush into the silver grey I just mixed.

I'm painting her eyes. It is so difficult, they shift colour in the light. She has so many emotions mixed in; it makes me feel like I'm doing her injustice if I don't capture every single one of them. I notice the way she parts her lips slightly while she breathes. The string brought back to her cheek. But something is wrong. Her frown seems slightly too deep. Her hand is shaking on the bow. I know something is wrong.

She releases and her face twists in agony. I stare at the bull's eye where the arrow should be. The arrow is always on the bull's eye. It has never missed. I just can't see it. I'm probably just going blind. But then I see the arrow embedded on the tree beside the target. I don't believe its true. It's not true. Katniss everdeen never misses.

But I turn to see her, and her face is twisted in pain. Her hand is clasped to her leg. I see a lump on her leg, and then her hand covers it. Something is wrong. I run to her and abandon the painting. I help her into a sitting position. There is a light sheen of sweat on her forehead; her face is still screwed up in agony. I panic. She's not dying, is she? I sit beside her and move her hand away. I pull up her tattered trousers to her thigh. She tenses, and I blush. But I know this is not a time to be embarrassed.

I gently touch the lump and she cries out. I know she must be in pure, undiluted pain. She never calls out when she is in pain. Everything I know about her, all the rules are being broken. She is meant to be strong, but here she is, rocking back in forth with the pain. I swallow the lump in my throat. I have to be strong for her. I roll down her trouser leg, and hold her to my chest.

'You're going to be ok. You're fine. It's ok.' I'm convincing myself more than her, and she knows that. That's why she doesn't complain. She looks at me. As if daring me to mock her pain. She confronts me with a glare. And I shrivel under her gaze. She stands then, as if nothing had happened. She begins to walk away. She is limping.

'Katniss, wait!' I say, getting up.

'I'm fine. It doesn't hurt anymore'.

'I don't care. Go to the doctor. Let me take you to the doctor'. I plead.

'You don't need to worry; I can take care of myself. I'm fine'

'But I do worry. Please, go to the doctor. You're not fine. Come with me to the doctor'.

'I _said _I'm fine'.

She turned to me then and glared with so much anger, and then ran. Ran away. And as she ran she limped. She paused by something by the lake edge. She looked down at it, then back at me. She looked almost sad for a moment. Then she just walked away. I realize she was looking at the painting I'd done of her. I have been standing here frozen for so long, I forgot about it. I ran after her, but I know it is hopeless. And I stop, and in a hoarse whisper, I say,

'Katniss, wait. I love you'.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I lie in bed for a few blissful seconds after the alarm goes off. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to face her anger at me for something I don't understand. I love her, but she is so wildly passionate. So easily angered. Filled with the inner insanity that also fills me. She has no idea of the torment she puts me through. No idea of the effect she has on my life. No idea of the pain she puts me through every time she leaves me.

I groan as I rise from my bed. What's the point of school? All we do is learn. I don't need knowledge. Only her. I walk groggily over to the bathroom, turn and lock the door. I splash cold water over my face. It reminds me of the time when katniss taught me how to swim. I remember the refreshing feeling of cold water lapping against my tired skin. I don't feel half as refreshed as I did then now. Probably because she's not next to me.

I gaze in the mirror. I don't understand how somebody as beautiful as her fell for a guy like me. I look completely average. Tousled blonde hair that never lies flat, a broad nose. Pale skin, straight jaw line. The only thing that I can say is even slightly different about me is my eyes. They are much lighter than everyone else's. Powder blue. I pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

I make one last, desperate attempt to flatten my hair and walk out of my house. If you can call it a house. More like a castle ruled by the wicked witch of the west's evil twin. A dark, dank stink hole that's depressing enough to make clowns cry. Just your average home sweet home. I don't like to hang around at home, so I never eat breakfast. Just get dressed and go. It's still dark. I kick a stone along the cobblestone road. I kick it so hard it broke it two. That's not my fault. I was imagining it was my mothers head.

I'm messed up inside. Most people don't know, because at school I act pretty normal. I laugh, I joke, I pretend I find girls other than katniss good looking, just your average late teen stuff. I realize I was so deep in thought, that I hadn't noticed the early rays of the sun peeking over the hills. It looks happy up there. That irritates me. What right does it have to be happy when my life is so screwed up? I sigh deeply. I hear footsteps and turn. A quiet groan escapes my mouth. Walking behind me is Delly Cartwright.

I don't think I have the energy for this. Delly's great when you need a laugh, or some comfort but she's so painfully… optimistic. When she gets exited her voice get really high and she starts giggling in a high-pitched, little girls shriek. It doesn't half make my head hurt. Not to mention she has a little, thing for me. Well when I say little thing, I mean she's totally and utterly in love with me. Don't think I'm being arrogant; I'm really, really not. She admits she loves me on a daily basis. I saw her carving tiny hearts P+D into the desk last Tuesday. She doesn't seem to comprehend that I'm with katniss, and will never be with anyone but katniss.

'Hey there peet-peet!' she squeals. I cringe. She's always making new nicknames for me, guaranteed to make you vomit with how bad they are.

'Hi'. I get out.

'Awww, what's wrong? Somebody has a grumpy face on. Come here Pelly is here to fix it.' Another bad nickname. Pelly. Peeta and Delly. It makes me want to be sick.

'I'm fine, really'.

'Humph. I hate it when you won't tell me what's wrong. You know I love you.'

'And you know, as I've told you many times, that we are JUST FRIENDS.'

'Awww your no fun. So where's katniss?' her voice is suddenly icy. I don't like the way she says her name. Almost like she looks down on her.

'That's none of your business.' I say, fighting to control my emotions.

'She's gone again isn't she? She doesn't treat you right. I know how it feels, its OK'.

She looked at me weirdly when she said 'I know how it feels'. I realize she meant I don't treat her right. That really irritates me. Just because I don't like her doesn't mean she has the right to be angry with me. Delly rambles on, about how 'I know how it feels,' and 'It's OK,' and 'I understand'. And I just snap.

'Delly shut your mouth and let me talk. You don't know how it feels. You don't love me like I love her. You have a crazy obsession. And you have no right to say I don't treat you right. I treat you as a friend because we are ONLY friends.

You're annoying, whiny and sometimes I just want to strangle you. But I'm still here, still your friend. And stop cramming this all down my throat, trying to make me love you, because I can't. I never will. Now if you'll excuse me, I don't really want to talk to you right now, and obviously I'm far past politeness, so bye delly, I hope you learn to stop talking.'

As I stare into her eyes, I realize I just screwed up my chances of having a normal friend. Tears brim and she turns and runs away. I know she was trying to help, honestly, genuinely trying to help. And if katniss wasn't angry with me I would have appreciated that. But without katniss I am a mess. I can't live without her.

Swallowing the tears I turn and walk to the iron school gates. I take a deep breath and inhale the smell of high school boys who, despite their age seem to have yet to discover that wonderful invention, what's it called again, oh yeah. _Deodorant. _

I see a swarm of people at the corner of the playground. They appear to be laughing and jeering at somebody. No doubt another kid who did nothing but try to break the mould set by the 'cool' people. I'd step in, but I'm not strong enough. Or brave enough. I'm just a coward trying to survive this place. That's all. I make myself sick. But I've grown accustomed to my self-loathing guts and have learnt to accept them as part of me. I sigh. And then I hear something that makes me turn round in pure anger. The group the mob, spitting the name,

'Katniss'.

I see her, pressed against the brickwork. The boys are laughing. I notice a scratch along the side of her face, and a large bruise on one of her arms. I guess that people like that don't care about hitting a girl. Not that she's much smaller than them. Or less brave. Or less capable of causing pain. I wait for the moment where she pushes back. Where she makes them run like little girls. But she just stands there. They are closing in. She just looks at them. Like she's empty inside. She doesn't breathe a single word of protest.

She just stares straight through them. Like she's tired of it all. They push her to the ground. Kick at her. They back up slightly, and I realize she is crying. Katniss everdeen. The strongest, most capable person I've ever known, lying on the ground weeping silently. Grime coats her face. I notice she is not clutching at her face, or her bruises but her left thigh. I can see the lump from here. I catch my breath, swallow my tears. It hurts me to see her in pain. It rips my heart apart.

I see her pleading through the tears. She is pleading. Can't they see they've gone too far? The person who makes katniss everdeen reduce to crying and pleading should know they would never redeem themselves. Should back away, realizing what they've done. But it just carries on.

'She's too stupid to even reply or react.' One jeers

'Don't sound surprised. She's from the seam.' Another says.

But one boy walks forward and the others fall silent. He has the look of a truly evil person. He is bad inside. He doesn't speak with the overloud jeers, but with a soft, quiet deadly voice.

'So where's prim. Where's your little sister?'

I know where this is going. It has to stop. Please make it stop.

'Oh no, prim. PRIM. I volunteer, I volunteer as tribute.' He mocks in a high-pitched voice.

'Too bad you decided to volunteer. You used to be hot, before I saw you covered in sweat and grime kissing lover boy.'

'So is prim coming to pick you up?' his voice is deadly quiet again.

'Oh wait, I forgot, she went… boom. Didn't she?' He makes a sadistically happy little gesture on the word 'boom'.

'And little rue as well. Tut tut tut, you do seem to lead people to their deaths a lot don't you?'

I see her flash him a look of hatred for the first time. A look of pure loathing. Then she breaks down into more tears.

I move forward then. Break out of my trance that was making me stick to that spot cluelessly. If she wasn't going to make them suffer, then I would. I began to advance, and then our eyes met.

She looked at me. In her glance she told me she was sorry. She said that she shouldn't have been angry. And she said not to intervene. I stared at her. She looked at me; tears still clinging to her face, and almost un-detectably shook her head. She was telling me to do nothing. I stared stonily back and moved forward. I wasn't going to leave her. She pleaded with me. I knew she wouldn't plead if it weren't important.

Shaking with rage and terror and so many emotions I turned and ran. I cried. I didn't care who saw me. I just kept replaying her look of complete emptiness, her lying on the ground, injured. I collapsed on a street corner. I hated life, I hated the sun I hated every single one of those stupid, uneducated _apes. _Those absolute bullies. I hated them with all my soul.

I heard them race away after me, after fresh prey. After all, I was a boy, and I showed any emotion whatsoever. Let them look. At least they won't hurt her anymore. I wasn't just going to let her win another argument. I was taking her to the doctor no matter what.

I wearily trudged back to the playground. It was going to be a long day.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Katniss's point of view**

Peeta eventually persuaded me to go. I wish he hadn't. I wish I'd just never had known about any of it. But he made me go. The doctors.

I didn't let him come with. That's where I drew the line. I knew I might cry out in pain. That they might give me the worst news of my life. But I went because I love him. I'm not like him, I'm not good with words, and I'm not sensitive. But love isn't complex. It doesn't have to be. I love him, and nothing will change that. So I held him close and kissed him and I never wanted to leave his arms, but I couldn't say that. I never say what I really feel. Instead I turned and walked away. My heart felt like it was burning. So did my leg. I tried not to limp. I hadn't been to the doctor since prim had the flu. Prim.

Every time I hear her name, every time I see the beautiful flower she's named after I die a little inside. That time was no exception. I remembered her little face, laughing. I remembered her gentle voice, how she would never hurt another living creature. And then they killed her. Without a tear or a thought. Just cold, merciless slaughter. She didn't matter to them, they were indifferent. My tears were of both grief and anger. I shook with emotion. Peeta was out of sight. I was free to cry. But I wanted to be strong. I didn't want to allow them to have the satisfaction of knowing they'd broken me. Prim wouldn't want me to cry. And rue would tell me to be strong.

Rue. Another innocent, young child I'd led to death. I saw her glazed over eyes, the spear, the little gasp she let out as it hit. And saw her crumple to the floor, her mouth a tiny O shape. And her tears mixed with mine as my voice shook whilst I sung for her. She told me to win. At least I did that. But it doesn't make up for the pointless death of a child who never did anything wrong. Her tiny body on the floor, chest no longer rising. In a cold dead hole beneath the ground.

I never meant to hurt her. But what does that matter now. She already lay dead in her tomb because I led her to her death. Being sorry doesn't compensate for the loss of a child. And although I knew they'd forgive me, both of them. But I knew I wouldn't forgive myself. I promised myself that I wouldn't let anything hurt him. Peeta. That's why I told him not to intervene. Because I'd already hurt him enough. I steeled myself at the door to the doctors, and let myself in.

It was warm inside, and it smelt like medicine. But I also smelt the smell of people who knew death was awaiting them around the corner. I sat in a crowded waiting room, and waited. Each time the doctor came out to call the next patient my heart leapt with fear, but it wasn't ever me. The names went on and on.

' Swift, Hannah. '

'Hucherson, rana. '

'Phillips, Julia.'

The doctor called them all in a bored monotone. I knew these people. These were, well, not my friends, but good people. People I knew. The list droned on, and it became fuzz in my ears. Finally my name was called. But not before the girl I knew to be called rana walked out. She was crying silently. I knew the answer before she told me. Malaria. She had a week to live.

Half the district had been diagnosed with malaria, but most of them weren't terminal. I felt a sudden irrational pang of sorrow for the small girl crying in front of me. But I just walked on. I knew I wouldn't notice her absence much. It sounded unbelievably cruel and cold to me that I'd just said that. But it was true. I wouldn't shed a single tear over her.

I entered a small, sterile room. The walls were a brilliant white and machines beeped all around me. The doctor, a bored looking man with a pale face asked me to sit down. I collapsed on a high backed blue chair.

The doctor asked me what my symptoms were, not bothering to look up. I told him. Then he poked and prodded at me with metal instrument, and squeezed the lump on my leg. I winced. I bit my lip, willing myself not to cry out. It hurt; it hurt like a million coals being pressed into my leg. Like a knife twisting deeper and deeper into my skin. I clenched the chair, my knuckles white. He finally stopped prodding and poking. He slowly looked up, and for the first time I saw an emotion on his face. The emotion was pity.

'Katniss,' he said gently.

A dull roar drowned the rest of his sentence out. But strangely I still heard every word in perfect clarity. The world slowed. I felt sick. I closed my eyes in agony and turned and ran. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. I ran to my lonely house and slammed the door. I fell on my bed and screamed. Screamed through my tears, because of the unfairness of it all. In the hour that passed before I calmed enough for the tears to simply be a light flow, I realized what I had to do next. I planned exactly how to tell him. I pictured his reaction. Then I cried some more.

I picked up the phone, and slowly dialled his number. I had to tell him. I pressed the phone to my ear, my heart thudding.

'Hello'?

I closed my eyes. Peeta. I had to tell him.

'Hey, Peeta, its me.'


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**Peeta's POV**

I picked up the phone.

'Hello?' I ask. I realize I should've sounded groggy. It is 11 o'clock at night, but I have been kept up worrying about katniss. I don't want people to know that. Its too late now though.

'Hey, Peeta. It's katniss.'

My heart leaps. But something is wrong. Her voice seems to be cracking, her breathing disjointed. Like she'd been crying. She can't have been crying. Crying means bad news. Fate wouldn't be that cruel. It already played enough games on me. It was time to leave me alone to have my happily ever after.

'Katniss.' I breathe. I know its stupid but I missed her voice for the last 5 hours.

'Listen Peeta. I have to tell you something.'

Her voice is defiantly cracking. I hear the tears. A lump forms in my throat.

'No, no you don't. That sounds like its bad news. Its not bad news. It can't be.'

I'm desperate now. The lump in my throat is threatening to turn to tears.

'Peeta, I need you to listen. I need you to be brave.'

I don't want to be brave. If it's as bad as it seems I don't want to have to be brave. But I love her.

'Okay.' I whisper. And then come the words that tear my world apart. Then comes the phrase that makes me want to collapse. I hardly hear it. I just sit there, frozen.

'Peeta, I can't tell you this all over the phone. I'll meet you tomorrow morning at the forest.' She is crying heavily. I feel the lump in my throat grow.

'I love you'. I say.

'I love you too.' Then she hangs up leaving the most deafeningly quiet silence behind her. Then I collapse on the bed and howl.

The tears flow with no shame, no fear. The thing I live for is about to be gone. If I thought I knew pain I was wrong. Pain just keeps taunting me. And fate laughs in my face. Agony tears through my limbs, through my heart. I can only cry. And my grief turns to anger. This pure, passionate anger. Mixed with the most wrenching grief I'd ever felt.

I scream with pure insanity. And I reach for the first thing in my grasp and watch it smash. Then it carries on. The smashing, the screaming the pain. I smash everything I can find. I break it all, like my heart is broken. I watch the fragments scatter. I throw all the pictures I once thought of as memories. My mother, my father, my brothers.

Their frames just smash. And I shake with rage and hurt and insanity. I curl up in a ball and cry. I reach for the last frame, prepare to smash it into oblivion, when I stop and stare at it. It was of katniss. A photo. She was smiling, her arm wrapped round me, kissing my cheek. She looked mischievous and young. I looked like I lived for every moment like that. But of course, I do.

We were standing on a beach. I remember going there, I took her. That was the only photo I had of her. She didn't let me keep most pictures. But I guess that beach was as amazing for her as it was for me. I feel sorry for those poor picture people. Those two fools standing in a frame, so unaware of the pain to come.

I hold it to my chest; the tears splash down its glass covering. With shaky hands I replace it on the nightstand. I feel so empty. Like nothing can stop the grief. Nothing can stop the heartbreak. I remember her smile. She won't be smiling for a long time. Not now. I know I'll miss her smile. I'll miss her. The words just keep replaying over and over again. I hear her say that phrase over again, her voice breaking.

' Peeta, I have cancer'.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Morning comes far to slowly. Sleep seems to evade me. But this stabbing, wrenching pain does not. I do not stop crying. I don't stop feeling. I wish I could just die inside. Be cold, emotionless. Then I couldn't get hurt like this. But we were made with emotions for some un-comprehendible reason. Finally the birds sing and the sun peeks over the heavens. The sky is grey. Like her eyes.

I don't bother to wipe my tears away, nor flatten my hair. It is all I can do to get dressed. I walk along the cobblestones, my breath misting on the cold winters morning. I think of the last time I was truly happy. My mind is drawn back to that autumn day lying under the trees, close enough to hear her heart beating. But her heart might not beat much longer. My hand in her hair. But her hair might not be there to touch anymore. But I know I'll always love her. That's all I can guarantee.

With winter brings despair and heartbreak. And the heartbreak will always continue. I'm walking beneath the bare trees now. The lake is frozen over, the ground crunches with each step. It is beautiful. The frost coats the earth beneath my feet like fairy dust, glinting in the early morning sun. And all I can think of is her laugh. My head hurts, my heart hurts. All I know is that soon all I love might be gone.

But it's stupid to think that she's going to die. Not all cancer kills you, right? And if you're strong you can pull through. Right? I'm convincing myself. She is the strongest, most beautiful being I've ever known. She is so… real, so alive. She won't die. She can't die. I hear a soft sob behind me. I turn and drop the bag I'd been carrying. I don't even look down at it as I stroll across the forest to her. She walks towards me. We don't say a word. I hold her and she holds me. She cries into my chest. I feel her slender body racking with sobs. And I never thought I'd be glad to see her cry. But I know that she feels what I feel now. Except for her its so much worse.

She has to deal with the fact of possibly, just, not existing. Just going. Poof. Gone with the wind. Not feeling, or caring as the rats eat her corpse. No colour, no emotion, just nothingness. Eternal nothingness. I break down again then. Hold her to my body; feeling her warmth, her tears mingle with mine. It seems like an eternity of silence, and crying and holding her there, before she breaks apart from me and says, her voice wobbling,

'Peeta.'

She says no more, but she doesn't need to. I know her; she can read me like a book.

'I'm here.' I whisper. Tears prick at my eyes again.

'It's, It's. Oh god. I can't say it.' She is sobbing.

'Katniss, don't you trust me? Don't you trust me to love you no matter what? Don't you trust me to not be angry?'

She half laughs, and half sobs

. 'The anger thing… not so much.' She almost smiles. 'But I would trust you with my heart no matter what.'

I take her hand and gaze into her tear filled eyes. I wipe away a single tear tracking down her face.

'Then tell me.' I breathe, moving towards her.

'They think it's terminal.'

I close my eyes. Of course it was terminal. Fate would never be so kind as to let me have a moment of happiness. I feel the tears coming. And they splash onto the top of her head. I run my hands through her hair.

'That lump.' I eventually get out.

'It was a tumour.' It wasn't a question. It was a fact. A simple statement. Then why did it make me die a little more inside?

'There's more'. She says.

I can't take more. No more. It hurts. Why does it always have to hurt? I close my eyes and breathe. A long, slow breath. Then I look her in the eye and will her to go on.

'I'm having an operation tomorrow. It may cure my cancer.'

Suddenly my heart leaps to my throat. I can see a way through the torment. She could be cured. But there's a catch. There's always a catch.

'But there's only a 30% chance I'll survive'.

My heart crashes and burns once more. A life without her. Without her voice, her laugh, her heart. Without her smile and teasing and endless emotion. It won't happen. I tell myself that. But I know I'm probably wrong. But until the day when the news reaches me that she's gone, I'm going to hold onto her. Hold her tightly and breathe in her scent, memorize her beauty. And every imperfection. I will hold her as long as I can. She won't give up. She's going to fight. I know it.

'Katniss. Why?' I say. I don't need to explain to her. It's written in my face. Why is fate so cruel? Why does she have to go? Why does she have cancer?

'The tumour erupted in my bones, I'm bleeding from no obvious injuries, I'm in pain full time. All the symptoms lead to cancer. I don't know Peeta. I don't know. Fate is a cruel, fickle master. Maybe our love is a game to fate. But I know its real. No game could feel this way Peeta. And I know just as surely that this is cancer. This is the end. I love you. You know I do. I don't say it enough. You are the most perfect human on all the earth. I will never let you get away from me.'

'Don't say it. Don't say this is the end. The end implies you're going to die. You're not. You're not going to die. Please don't die. I need you. You are the only thing that keeps me going through this bleak, endless life.' I wipe the tears from her cheeks, but my tears still fall.

'We will not go quietly Peeta. We will fight and struggle through, and wipe the smile from the face of fate. And even though I will go, you will stay. And maybe I'm lucky to die. You're right. This life is so bleak. But with you the bleakness turns to colour. I need you. But you will find somebody else. Somebody better. I love you. I always will. But don't be afraid to move on. Just not while my heart still beats for you.'

She holds my face, and presses her forehead to mine. Her eyes are closed. I can see the tears though.

'Katniss.' That's all I say. It's all I need to say. Her name is all I need. Her breath continuing is all that matters. All I need is love. And she is the only person I can love.

'Peeta. I need to go.' She says quietly. Through the stream that is our tears. She turns to leave but I catch hold of her hand and pull her back.

'Katniss. Don't go. Stay one more day. Stay a while longer. Just stay another day.' I plead. My body lurches as I sob.

'Peeta. I have to.'

'Do you? You could stay. I'll drop everything for you. Just stay with me.'

She cries as she shakes her head.

'When will you come back?'

She takes a deep breath.

'A week. Two. Maybe never. We need to face it. I may die. But from the stars I'll watch and make them all know of how they doomed us. I love you Peeta mellark. The boy with the bread.' She smiles through her tears as she says that last part.

'And if you're not back in two weeks?'

She takes my hand. 'You know the answer to that'.

I do. I know that if two weeks passes, then she is gone. Forever trapped in her cold, dead body. I'm still crying as I say,

'Then I'll see you in two weeks'.

She flashes me a weak, sad smile.

'Goodbye, Peeta. Thanks for saving my life.'

She takes a deep breath, kisses my forehead and turns to walk away.

I see her sobbing as she walks. But she doesn't look back. And I lie there, sobbing on the cold forest floor and watch the girl I love walk away.

Then I settle down, and begin to wait.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The days drag by so painfully slowly. Each day is the same. Get up. Cry. Go to school. Cry. Come home. Collapse on my bed and cry. I'm like a whiny baby. I wish I was strong, but I am not. I am as weak and helpless as everybody else. I need her. And all that keeps me going is the blind, irrational hope that she still lives.

It is Friday. Three days since she left me, and two since she may or may not have died. I walk into the hellhole that they call school. I notice two girls, silently crying in the corner. What were their names again? I think its Hannah and Julia. I just hear a quiet sob, and for a blind moment I think they are crying for katniss. But I hear them speak the name rana. The girl with malaria. She must be gone. I suddenly feel a wave of grief for this girl I hardly knew. She never did anything wrong. But she's still dead. Because fate didn't like her.

These people are crying for her, but nobody cares for katniss. Except me. None of them shed a single tear over katniss. Nobody had bothered to get to know her. But now people come to me and say,

'it's OK.'

'She was a great person.'

'I understand.'

'She lived a great life'.

But they all speak in past tense. None of them care. None of them understand. She's not dead. She can't be dead. I want to scream at them, and shake them. I want to make them understand, make them feel the grief I feel. Make them understand how much I love her, how much I care. But instead I just nod. Everywhere I go I'm reminded of katniss. The first place I saw her. The first place she took my hand. The first place I ever saw her cry. And I cry with her memory. I need to feel her hand in mine again, hear her laugh. So I turn and run. Get away from the school, and the people. The bullies and the cowards, the two faced liars.

And I go to the forest. I race along the barren ground and fly over the roots that try to trip me with every step. I don't know what I'm going to do when I reach there, but I don't care. I need to walk the ground she walked, hear her memories laugh with me again. And then it hits me. I'm talking about her in past tense. That hurts more than a million knives being twisted into my arm. I try to hold my tears. To be stronger than I've ever been. But I still fall to the ground as I weep. And my brain takes me back.

Our first real kiss, lying in the cave as I bled, and only her face didn't swim with the world around. She held me and as her lips touched mine I felt this burning, warmth inside of me. Like I was so much stronger than I was. Like I could do anything as long as she was next to me. It shifts.

They took me away as I screamed and yelled her name. They pulled me down and changed my memory. They hurt me inside. And I was so helpless. And the images became painfully real. Reality and fiction blurred in and out. I tried to hurt her, my hand lashed so savagely out. And she just looked at me, like she was tired of the games, and walked away. The hurt took months to drain from her eyes. Then she took me by the hand, and said the thing that renewed my faith. That gave me back my sanity. She said, 'real'.

She told me that her love was true. That she was mine. And I was hers. And our hearts would beat in time. I can't help but smile at the memory. And it's the first time I've smiled since she gave me the news. I keep remembering.

It was raining. The rain spat on me. But I didn't care. I was too busy gazing into the eyes of the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. Katniss. Lying on the ground, in the wet and the cold. And blaming me. Pleading with me. Making me feel guilt and love and desire all at once. And the only logical thing to do was to burn that bread. Because nobody that beautiful should die that young. And as she reached out for the bread she looked up. She almost smiled. And then she looked up with hate, and then finally acceptance. And she turned and ran through the rain. Clutching her bread. And I smiled as my mother beat me. Because I had just saved the life of katniss everdeen.

Before the games. Sitting on the rooftops gazing at the stars. Next to her. And I opened up to her. I told her I still wanted to be me. That they don't own me. That I'm not a piece in their games. And she looked up at me. And stared into my soul. I saw for the first time approval, acceptance in her eyes. And she told me she couldn't afford to think that way. That hurt me inside. Because that meant that she'd come out a murderer. But she had no other choice. Neither did I.

Sitting in front of all of panem. Pouring my heart out to some guy I hardly knew. Telling them that she came there with me. And the first real emotion I saw in ceaser flickerman's eyes. Pity. And katniss pushing me to the wall and spitting in anger. I was so confused. But I like how close she was to me. And then her realizing that I was for real. That none of it was a game. And her smiling for the first time after that.

I'm back in reality now. It's night. But my tears are gone. Replaced with the smiles of a thousand amazing memories. And I know how to hold my self together. Count to ten, and begin to count the memories. And all the memories of her make me smile. Well, mostly. So the days go on, and I learn to smile again.

Two weeks are nearly gone. Just another night to go. I stay awake with my emotion, and will the sun to peek over the rooftops. I picture the moment when I walk into school and see katniss's face beaming up at me. How I will walk to her. The way I will hold her. I fall asleep smiling.

Morning finally comes. I get out of bed, get dressed then sprint all the way to school. I arrive at the gates. And take a deep breath. Then I walk slowly in.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The gates creak as they open. The world is muffled. I sprint in, a grin on my face. I yell,

'KATNISS. I'M HERE'!

I see delly in a corner, talking quietly with another girl. I run over to her and trap her in a giant bear hug. We haven't spoken in weeks. What better time to make up with her.

'I'm so sorry delly. I was a jerk.'

'Yeah you were'. She says, laughing as she pulls out of my hug.

'So have you seen katniss yet?' I ask her, my heart thumping in my throat.

'No, sorry. But she'll be here. I know it.'

My heart sinks. I've been stupid to think she's not dead. But I don't want to think that way. Katniss always beats all the odds. So why not these odds? She will be here. I know it. She _has _to be here. She wouldn't leave me here alone. So I sit on one of the benches that line the playground, and I wait. The bell goes. I'm still waiting. I'm alone now. I'm feeling less confident.

I think of my last words to her. 'I'll see you in two weeks'. It had been a promise. Because I knew I had to see her. But what if those words were an empty promise? They can't be. They are not. She will come. I am still waiting.

Every time I see somebody with grey eyes and brown hair, my heart leaps. But then they turn and it sinks lower each time. It is past lunchtime now. I'm beginning to shiver. I feel a lump in my throat again, and force it down. Time to play count the memories.

_One._

'_Primrose everdeen'. A tiny, terrified girl walked forward. And my blood boiled with anger for any place that sent something so innocent to be murdered for entertainment. Prim did not blame the capitol; I could see that in her eyes. That made me hate them even more. She was so internally good that she forgave them for an unforgivable crime. It hurt me inside. But then she erupted from the crowd, katniss. Her hair coming loose and flying around her shoulders. And as she volunteered I heard in her voice sheer desperation. Sheer love, sheer anger. So many things. And I fell in love with her all over again. _

_Two. _

_Her recognising me as the boy with the bread. And almost smiling at me. _

_Three._

_Katniss on the beach. About to go to her death. And a pearl that I pressed against her hand. She looked up at me, and I was sure I saw a flash of something close to how I felt about her. Her leaning in close, her lips on my cheek. _

_Four. _

_The days of cheese buns. Where I went to her every day, while she was recovering. I brought her cheese buns. We'd go to the rooftops and just sit and talk. I'd draw the flowers to her exact description. I'd see her marvel at my creations. And I'd laugh with her. Her head on my lap, fiddling with her hair. Her looking up, so content. And laughing so gently. _

_Five._

_Sitting on the train tracks, getting to know her for the first time. Her hand lightly brushing against mine. Telling me about her, her guard slipping down. And me thinking how beautiful she looked in the light. How perfect she was without even trying. How totally, unbelievably out of my league she was. _

_Six._

_On the podium. Terrified. Looking over at her, and knowing what she was thinking. But if she acted on her thoughts she was going to get killed. So I caught her eye, and shook my head. She looked at me with such confusion, and then we had to go. Running away from the girl I loved. That hurt. A lot._

_Seven._

_Lying, camouflaged with the rocks. Hoping I'd see her before she died. Seeing her limping, crying. I realised that rue was dead. That gave me a pang of sorrow inside. A sweet innocent girl. Murdered. And then katniss looked down, and looked at me with something approaching hope. And something that may have been love. _

_Eight._

_Watching her wedding gown burn to ashes and blow away with the breeze. Watching her spin round and round, a mockingjay. Her eyes sparkled as she looked down at me. I just stared. She smiled at me. A secret smile meant only for me. My heart thumped with pride and love and excitement. I fell asleep happy that night._

_Nine._

_Lying under the autumn leaves together. Smiling as we kissed. Watching her face twitch while she woke. Thanking the world for sending me such a perfect being to love and be mine. Wondering if anybody had ever been that happy before. _

I flash back to reality. The stars are twinkling overhead, shining brighter than I've ever seen them. My breath mists in the air.She's not here yet. It's only ten P.M. she still has two hours to get here. I am so desperate. I'm crying heavily when I look up and see a figure. It looks like katniss. It moves like katniss. It whispers my name in her voice. Katniss is here.

I run to her. She stays where she is. She is finally here. I'm losing my breath as I run. She seems to move away. I collapse at her feet and look up with a smile. She looks down. Something makes her eyes go cold. Then she mists away with the wind. She was all I wanted. And she wasn't even real. She was an apparition created by my desperate brain. I can't breath when she's gone. So I guess I won't breath anymore. It's dark and it's all to quiet. I want to yell at her. But I just yell to the empty sky

'DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS. PLEASE. I LOVE YOU. OK? I LOVE YOU! SO JUST COME BACK.'

'Just come back to me.' I say in a quiet whisper.

I check the time. Midnight. It's too late. I realize with a humourless laugh I didn't finish the round of count the memories.

_Ten._

_Lying on an empty playground at midnight. Screaming and crying. Realizing that I will never ever see katniss again. Realizing that katniss is gone. Unable to breath. So empty inside. A dull thud in my head. Turning to walk, unable to feel any emotion anymore. _

_Because katniss was dead. _


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys! Thanks so much to all my (very few, lol) reviewers and followers. You people are so amazing! The awesomeness of you guys is just impossible to comprehend! Thanks again ****-izzthewolf**

Chapter 9

The pain does not ease. It has been two months since she died. And it still hurts. It kills me inside. And every time I turn around I swear I see a glimpse of a beautiful, grey eye. But then it's gone. I am haunted by the most beautiful ghost in existence. And then my heart burns to embers once again. Sometimes I hear her voice. My name. Or her saying she loves me. Or that she's so happy up there. That she misses me. Anything my crazy, desperate brain can string together. But each time I see her, my heart aches for her. I cannot forget my hurt. That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

I remember each syllable she's ever uttered to me. And I remember when gale tried to beat me down with cruel words and a sharp fist; she turned to him with fire in her eyes and said so softly, with such powerful emotion,

'What did he do wrong? Or is that just what you do now. Kill the innocent, befriend the guilty'.

And then she turned to me, and helped me to my feet. And we ran together. Only later did I realize that she referred to herself as guilty. And me as an innocent. That made me think. But thoughts are useless now. Compared to her thoughts are merely as dim as our stars. She shines so much brighter. But her star went out. And it will never burn again.

I no longer cry. But that is not better. That merely means I have no more tears left. I am just empty. I feel nothing. And the only emotion I can ever feel ever again is pain. I think of something katniss said to me once.

'_The insane are not cruel. They are merely empty inside.'_

It's almost as if she knew the insanity she'd bring on me when she left. And day's before she went to the doctors. She said something to me with solemn eyes. The thing that keeps me alive. She turned to me, held me close. And I swear I heard the tear in her voice,

'_Peeta. You are lucky to be here. And I don't know if you know this. But every breath you take makes me live. And if I go before you then promise me you'll figure it out that life is worth living. That every beat your heart thumps against your chest when I go is what will keep me going on. You have to promise me you'll work it out. And that one day you'll know what I mean.'_

This was before she saw any symptoms. Before she was in pain. When it was just us. With no complications. Then she leant over and kissed my face. And it's almost like she knew. Like she knew that in a few weeks she'd be walking on the clouds. That the memory of her would follow me around. From even that moment she knew. She fought it so hard, I remember that I leant in and whispered. My last words to her. See you in two weeks. I lied. But then again I lied about so much. I lied about knowing I'd see her in two weeks. I lied about being sane. I lied about loving her. But I won't lie any more.

I remember that second. When the blind hope turned to crying and screaming, 'why?' I didn't say goodbye properly. I shouldn't have let her go. I should have kept hold of her arm. I asked her to stay. I pictured it going differently. Instead of her saying I have to go. Instead of her saying goodbye, I pictured her just saying, 'okay.' But katniss was never one to act upon the dreams of a broken man.

I wonder if that's why I imagine her memory following me. Because of the guilt of never saying goodbye. I never see her properly when I turn around. Just her eyes. Or her hair, or a snatch of a flowing silver dress. That's how I know it's not katniss, just my memory. Because katniss doesn't wear dresses. The blind insanity of somebody hoping and wishing upon every star that the memory they dream up is real consumes me. And it leaves me breathless.

_She hasn't gone. She has merely departed. As if by a train at a ghost station_. I don't know where that thought came from. From the inner parts of me. The deep thinker. The star crossed lover who has forgotten to breath since his love left him. The man who is so dead inside. I watched her walk away from me that time. But something keeps me holding on to the hope that one day I'll see her again. I know I will. I just know.

All I can do is to hold on to the memory. Hold onto her hand and never let her get away. But it's too late now. Because she's already boarded. She already waved her goodbyes. And now she's gone. And she won't ever come back. The tears well up, but I don't allow them to fall. I know she wouldn't want me to cry. So I stay strong. But it kills me a little, right in the spot where my heart once beat. But not anymore. My heart is gone now. Replaced by agonising nothingness.

I take a step off my porch, into what we call our back garden. Its not really, its a few feet of dead looking grass. But there's a gap in the rickety fence that leads to a park. A beautiful park with trees and grass and meadows filled with flowers. In the spring the cherry blossoms burst into flowers of pink and white, making the park fill with the joy that comes with springtime.

Euch.

I can't believe I just said that. Springtime, joy, flowers. That sounded like I'm a happy little girl frolicking in the meadow. I'm not. I'm an insane bitter teenager walking through an empty park in the pouring rain. With nothing to keep him company but a figment of his imagination. That's pretty sad. I kick a stone. I want something to yell at, to blame, and to hit. But all I have for that is the universe, and worst of all; fate. And maybe the stars for making me believe that in them was written my happily ever after. But apparently not. And the worst part is fate is incredibly hard to hit.

I relish with every drop that the heavens spat upon my head. Because I'm not hiding beneath an umbrella. I let them spit on me. And laugh while they do it. I will them to try their best. They can't hurt me. I'm already hurt too much, nothing they can do can scar me anymore. I'm done with being heavens toy. I'm not something they can just mess with. I'm not a piece in their sick twisted game. Not any more. Never again.

I pass the out of order playground. They built a new one, because this one is unsafe. The swings break under any wait, the see-saw snapped in half, it's a real dump. But I see movement. Somebody sitting on a swing. Somebody with brown hair. And beautiful grey eyes.

Somebody with the name katniss everdeen.

_She's alive. _


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

**Please read and review, I'd like to get to 10 reviews. We can do that guys, right? Come on, do it for buttercup. TEAM BUTTERCUP. Ok, yeah… just forget I said that whole buttercup thing. But please review. Thanks to those who already have. :D-**** izzthewolf**

I just stopped and stared. My mind must be playing tricks. But my mind isn't powerful enough to create shadows in all the right places on the ground, to create every freckle on her face, the way her eyes look. She looks so solid. She is wearing her old hunting stuff. Not a dress. This isn't a ghost, or an imagination. She's real. So very real. Close enough to touch.

I open the gate and run. Towards her, and she smiles. She doesn't run away, her eyes don't go cold. She stands as I reach her. Suddenly I have no idea of what to say other than,

'Katniss.'

She smiles at me, steps closer.

'Hey bread boy.' Even now she knows how to tease me.

'I thought you were…' I can't finish the sentence, in case with those words she mists away. In case she goes away if I say the word 'dead'.

'Well obviously not.' She's even closer now, I can count every eyelash, feel her breath on my cheek.

'I missed you. I cried for you. You didn't even call.' I suddenly feel anger mixing with my love for her.

'I'm sorry. I was weak. So very weak. I couldn't even talk. They thought I was a goner. But I'm here now. That's all that matters.'

She takes a step back, but takes my hand. I can feel the cold, smoothness of her skin. My anger resides. I feel like crying. With happiness, with relief with all the emotion I'm feeling. She's real. She's here, I love her.

'How did you know I'd be here'? I ask.

'I know you. I love you. You are so easy to predict.'

'Kiss me.' I've never asked permission to kiss her before. But it felt right.

'Here? Right now?'

'Yes.'

'Its pouring with rain'.

'Then kiss me in the pouring rain. Just stop the pain, stop the hurt. Kiss me.'

She looks at me then, properly. There is a drop of rain on her nose. She's shivering. I realize she's still weak.

'Maybe later then. We need to get you home.'

Something that looked like pain flashed across her face. I hear her voice break.

'I can't go home.'

'What do you mean?' Suddenly I'm wary. Something's wrong.

'I mean I can't go home. Peeta…' She's defiantly crying now.

'Tell me why. What's happened?' She lets go of my hand, but I grab her wrist. She puts her other hand on top of my wrist, and looks at me with gentle understanding. And such great sadness.

'Peeta. Do you love me?' I don't know what's happening. She knows I love her.

'yes.' I breath.

'Do you trust me?'

'Forever.'

'Will you ever forget me?' I'm shocked. Why would she ask that? Suddenly my mouth won't form the words I know should be there. Instead I say something else.

'Katniss, don't ask me that. That makes it sounds like you're going to go soon. But you're not; you're here right now. You're here. Right?'

She gently removes my hand from her wrist and steps back, tears on her face. I see a flash of a silver dress, wings. A light comes from behind her, as if the sun suddenly shone for her.

'Not real'.

And then katniss everdeen blurs away with the wind. And leaves me standing alone with the goodbye still hanging on my lips.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

**Hi people! Thank you so much, twelve reviewers? Wow, I'm chuffed. You guys are just too awesome. Can we get twenty? Come on; let's go for twenty. Those reviews pay for president snows dance lessons. Don't let him stop dancing. Without gangnam style he might DIE. Or what if he was sexy, but he DIDN'T know it? Kaaay… ignore that last part. TWENTY REVIEWS! Come on we can do it, you people who already reviewed, you're just the best. Thanks again- ****izzthewolf**

I never let my hopes get up too high after that. It hurt too much to feel my heart crashing down again. And angels may sing from the heavens, but no body hears the cry of those we have lost. Until I join their sorrow, their song, till I hear each note, I will not love. I will not hope. And the stars will seem dull to my even duller heart. I am empty.

Her ghost no longer haunts me. She said her goodbyes. But I will never get the chance to say mine. I did not speak another word after she misted away. I was quiet as the muffled silence of snow. And just as bleak. And cold inside. And the snow will not melt till once again her fire embraces me. She would cry for my death. So I do not attempt to bring it nearer. What if she had never gone? What would have happened? A future, a relationship… marriage? And then a cruel, ironic thought enters my mind.

_Till death do us part._

If we part when one dies, then may death come to me all the sooner. I do not have a purpose, if not to hold her. I do not have breath unless she is near me. I do not live truly while her heart does not beat. But still life keeps me in its clutches. Death is relief. Death is the medicine to the side effect of life. If we could think of such an ingenious cure to life, then why not cancer? Or malaria? Or grief?

I think of all those lost, all those who grieve. Prim, rue, _katniss._ All those tears shed. That girl, I hardly knew her. Rana I think. Gone. With no crime or misdeed. Just… gone. And those who are left behind. The people reduced to insanity, to mindless blind hope. To denial. People like me. And the friends, family and lovers. Waiting for the news. And then realizing how they are too late for goodbyes. And it's all they can do to close the dead's glassy, unseeing eyes. For what could the dead see, if not darkness?

I think of how she looked before they cremated her. I couldn't watch as they burnt her. But when she was lying there. They had dressed her in silver. With a ring of white flowers in her loose hair. But it was almost funny how little these people knew. Katniss would not want to be confined, not in a grave, a tomb, in a little urn of ashes. Not in a dress or in pretty flowers. But I did know she'd want to remember those already gone, and those left behind. So I placed a primrose in her cold hand, and slipped a daffodil in the other. I kissed her forehead. And closed her once beautiful eyes. I noticed the little freckle shaped like a heart, that I always used to tease her about. Noticed the little scar on her eyebrow, like a crescent moon. And I held her face. I whispered to her, my last goodbyes. Then I turned and fled, tears still tracking silently down my cheeks.

They should have scattered her ashes to the wind, in the forest. But they lie still in an urn, yearning for their freedom. They should've dressed her in her hunting stuff, so she could hunt among the stars. But they didn't. And I should've said goodbye. For real.

I walk through the forest; I know where I am going. I am determined to get there. Not to cry. I think back to the good times.

Lying under a sunset, in the warm summer air. Her laugh, her turning into me, her eyes shining, feeling ecstatic, warm, breathless. And gently taking my hand, and leaning to my chest. While her heart thudding against me.

_Gone._

Her trying to teach me to shoot, holding my arms in line, her breath on my face. Scoring on the edge of the target board. Screaming with glee, like a little kid. Laughing. Her turning me around, laughing so hard she was breathless. Leaning in to me, saying she loved me. Even though she hardly ever said it. Falling in love with her over again, tracing the line of her dimples.

_Gone._

Her taking me by the hand, leading me into a meadow under the stars. Dancing with the silence of the night, our hearts beating in time.

_Gon-_

'No', I think. I don't want to be reminded it's gone. Because its not. As long as her memory lives on, she will never be gone. I realize how blind I have been. It doesn't matter that she's not physically here. My heart remembers her. I know her. She will not be forgotten.

I stand under the trees, by the lake. Where we lay on that first autumn morning. Look down at the cross made of twigs and tied together with rope. Where I carved the name katniss in the wood. And place it down on the spot where she once lay with me. And turn to walk away. Because it's not much. Not nearly what she deserves, but its what she would have wanted. For her name to stand under the trees by the lake, while the wind sings her countless lullabies.

I pass the abandoned playground. Where I pictured her to sit. I open the gate. Nobody ever comes here. You can still see the muddy footprints I made that first visit. I think of what my memory said to me.

'Will you ever forget me'?

The words couldn't come back then, but now they will.

Never katniss everdeen.

Never.

And then I gaze down at the ground by the swing. And I dare to hope once more. I see a second set of footprints. Smaller daintier then mine. That walk away and disappear. But nobody ever comes here. She said she was a memory.

_But memories don't leave footprints. _


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

**Hi people! This story is very confusing, I know. (Sorry about that). But that's the point. Peeta is meant to be confused; I'm trying to show that. This chapter should clear things up quite a bit. All will be revealed. THANKS TO MY AWESOME REVIEWERS. I think we can try for twenty reviews on this guys. COME ON. PRESIDENT SNOW STILL NEEDS THOSE DANCE LESSONS. Lol. ;)-****Izzthewolf**

My head hurts. Fate is toying with me. I was getting to grips with the fact that she's dead, and now I don't know what to think. I don't know if she's dead, or alive or somewhere in between. I don't know if she's a zombie or an illusion or a memory. But the heavens are silent. Like they are watching. Ready to see how the story of my life turns out. Like I'm a mildly interesting T.V show. Just a game. A stupid character that they made to feel pain, and to laugh at my stupid desperation. It hurts.

Suicide is the bliss I need. But I'm a coward. So the days drag painfully on. And on. And on. My confusion does not ease, but grows with my anger. Anger at the universe, with the heavens and, suddenly I realize, with her. Because she's toying with me. If she's alive then she's lying. If she's not than her memory is cruel. And I'm so confused. My heart aches for her. But she just walked away from me. Left me broken, discarded me without a glance back. I know that's not true. But it makes it better to blame somebody.

So when I turn around and see her standing there I naturally assume I'm hallucinating. I turn to walk away from the pain of dragging myself deeper into the murky water of memory. But she calls my name. And I break. I turn to her. I don't know what to say. I'm angry, in love and desperate all at the same time. So I speak, softly, trying hopelessly to control the wobbling of my voice. I do not succeed.

'Katniss. You left me. YOU LEFT ME THERE.' I'm yelling now whilst my voice breaks with my sobs.

'YOU JUST WALTZED OFF. YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE A MEMORY. BUT THEN YOU GO AND LEAVE FOOTPRINTS. MEMORIES DON'T LEAVE FOOTPRINTS APON THIS EARTH KATNISS. EVEN I KNOW THAT. BUT NOT THIS TIME. NO. NEVER AGAIN. YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE, NO WALKING AWAY. NOT THIS TIME.'

I'm shaking with rage as I whisper,

'Not this time.'

She walks towards my shaking form. Her eyes unreadable. I notice that her skin is softly glowing. And so are her eyes. She looks at me. Stares through me. She says, so softly.

'Okay Peeta. Okay.'

I stare at her. And collapse in her arms. That is the point that I know she is real. Because I do not fall to the ground as I lean against her. She does not disappear. She stays there with me. When I pulls away from her, I say so softly,

'But you're dead.'

'No.'

'So you're alive?' I hear the hope in my own voice.

'No.'

Confusion washes over me in a wave. How can she be neither dead nor alive?

'What?' I ask.

She half laughs.

'I'm not dead or alive. I'm a new confusing category that defies description.'

'That can't be true. You must be an angel, or a zombie or a ghost.'

'No. I'm just me.'

I don't understand. My head feels like it might explode.

'What happens. When you move… on?'

'Peeta, you have to listen to me. Ok? It's going to be complicated, but I'm going to tell it to you as it is. Alright?'

'Okay.' I say hoarsely.

'When you die you wake up. Not in a coffin or ash urn or anything. But you feel like your floating, but the air is solid. Sound is muffled, colour is dulled. You can see others. But you can't hear them. You can't talk to them. There seems to be a wall. A barrier of sorts. You are all alone. You walk over the earth. Watching the people's lives unfold. It all seems too distant. You see those you love, but you can't talk to them. The barrier does not yield. No matter how badly you want it to get to them. You can't get there.'

'But how are you here?'

'I'm getting there. When somebody on earth wants me as badly as you do, and without me a part of your soul dies. While that piece floats through the gap I can struggle through. But it hurts. And each time you do it seems to create a smaller gap each time. The barrier is mending itself Peeta. Time is running out. I probably won't be able to see you again. It's becoming immune to souls letting other souls into the mortal world.'

'But then why? Why tell me you weren't real?'

'Things can get complicated Peeta. I saw that look of hope that we could be together. Be normal again. But we can't. I saw that and knew that it wouldn't work. It would kill you to see me leave again. I don't belong here Peeta. You know it. '

'Yes you do. I love you. We can make it work. We can. Its written in the stars. The star crossed lovers, remember?' I say wildly. I take her hands. She shakes her head, so sadly.

'I would stay if the stars weren't so terribly crossed Peeta mellark. If fate wasn't so determined to break us apart. I love you. But we won't ever be together. We can't be. The heavens are calling, bread boy. And this time they won't let me go.'

'But you could just stay. Not let them take you. We can make it work katniss. We can.'

Her eyes are shining with tears now.

'The stars are beautiful Peeta. At night we can float to the heavens and dance among the stars. The billions of shining, burning stars. And one day the stars will cross in our favour once again. I cannot stay. The stars are calling tonight. And never again will I see you walk upon this earth.'

'Please don't go. Stay with me.'

Her face is wet with tears. She shakes her head. I hold her close.

'Goodbye katniss everdeen.' I whisper through my sobs. She steps back. Night is beginning to fall. She looks up, at something I cannot see. She looks at me, still crying and whispers,

'The stars are beautiful tonight Peeta mellark. So very beautiful.'

She holds my face, and then she fades away. And as the stars appear I swear I saw the brightest star I'd ever seen appear right above the place where she stood.

And I turn and walk away. But this time, I know she was real.

_But what's the use in knowing she was real if I can never see her again?_

And all I can do is walk away, brushing over the dainty footprints on the ground below me.

And the souls begin to dance.


	13. note (please read, i need some advice)

**Hey guys, thanks to all my reviewers. I was thinking of ending it there, but then I had an idea for a sequel. **

**I may write it as a separate fanfic. Or just add some more chapters to this story, but that would make it really long, and lets face it, nobody likes reading a massive fanfic with like a billion chapters unless its like amazing. And obviously this isn't one of those epic ones that you want to read forever**

**So anyway, it would be appreciated if you reviewed or PM'd me to tell me if I should write a sequel, add another few chapters or just end it there. My new story idea for the sequel is pretty depressing until the very very end. So go ahead and review/Pm. **

**A shout out to my awesome reviewers and followers**_**: * **_

**The girl on fire 127 **_**(you should probably visit the doctor about the whole being on fire thing, lol)**_

**Guest **

**Kaylz-aways-PK**

**Guest**

**Hungergamesluver4567**

**Coadhpgg (loving the random name)**

**Firefoxxe **

**Pi pi mathematical pi (LOVE your name)**

**Everllark pony (MY FIRST REVIEWER. You awesome piece of awesomeness) **

**Guest**

**Thanks so much, and if you review after this sorry for not including you, I will attempt to add you on this list, or give you a shout out in another story (if I do another one). Thanks guys. **

**NOW REVIEW TO TELL ME IF I SHOULD WRITE MORE OR MAKE ANOTHER STORY AS THE SEQUEL OR JUST STOP WRITING. **

**-izzthewolf **

_***(I only put guest on there a couple of times but the guest that reviewed lots of times, you are jut too cool, thanks especially to you) ;) **_


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 14

**Hey guys! Sorry for not updating for ages, been busy. Anyway, 20 reviews? You have no idea how happy that made me. Dancing round the room happy, literally. My brother was on skype with his friends and I burst in, not realizing and did a massive happy dance, then looked up, realized he was on skype, and just danced casually away. I was still smiling . Lets see if we can make me hit the roof with happiness. 30 reviews? Can we do it? The 30'th reviewer gets a special shout out. :) Come on guys! Lets do this thing!**

Time is not a friend. Because on that night it dragged on so painfully. Just walking under the night sky, filled with stars. Knowing that she shone so much brighter when she walked this earth. Replaying her last words over and over again.

_The stars are beautiful tonight. _

That last whisper, that last breath, was not an empty promise. They are beautiful. They burn, so brightly. And once might have filled me with wonder. But no more. Nothing can fill the emptiness. Nothing can restore the hope. All I want to do is die. Just go with the breeze to dance with her. Dance among the stars. And leave my broken body behind me. But alas breath still stabs at my lungs. My heart still pounds against my chest. Tears still well in my ever-seeing eyes. I long to see nothing but fire. Nothing but her. And until then I wish to see nothing but darkness.

_But the world doesn't work that way. _

Because if it did it would be so kind. It would allow the wind to cool my burning face, and the moon act as my nightlight. And would allow me to lie down to sleep. Sleep forever more. Rest. But I am living in hell. No fiery abyss could be worse than the burning pain of being without her. I wonder where she is. Whether it hurts her like it hurts me. My soul is dying over and over again. And not a whisper can escape her perfect lips. Condemned to a world of silence. Forced to a world of hopeless longing. Trapped in an impenetrable bubble. With nothing but agony.

I kick a stone, hard. It breaks into two. Just like we did. Cancer just took its boot and rammed it into our unlikely happiness. And laughed as we tried to pick up the pieces. But I don't laugh. I just keep walking.

I suppose it's not cancer's fault. It just wants to live. _Except it tries to live through us._ On second thoughts, cancer is an over controlling bastard with a heart made of shit. I notice I'm nowhere near my house. The only way back to my house is past a road. But the road is about three miles wide and gets about fifty cars coming through every thirty seconds. And the cars don't slow down for anything. If you get hit they won't stop. They just keep driving.

_What a safe place for a teenager with a broken heart, depression and a screwed up melodramatic mind to be._

But it's the only way home. The failing light weakly stretches over the grey tarmac. So I begin to run.

My feet thump on the tarmac, my heart speeds up. The wind races through my rough blonde hair. And my tears are whipped away as they fall. The cars speed pass, not bothering to honk. All I can do is run past and listen for the rush of air as another one drives close enough so I could have stretched my little finger and scraped it along the side of it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that katniss wants me to live. Once she made me promise to keep breathing no matter what. I don't break promises. So I run on and on.

The blurs of colours that are the cars get faster and faster as my feet pound harder and harder. My heart is in my throat. I'm almost there. I could survive this. I'm almost disappointed that I could survive it. Because I want to die. But she keeps me fighting. We have been through so much. Seen so much. And I just want it all to end. But I am nearly at the edge of the road. I'm going to make it. I begin to slow.

Then I turn just in time to see a blur of red.

_A car._

_My cheek is pressed against the tarmac. _

_It hurts._

_I can't move._

_Black edges my vision. It's closing in. _

And suddenly I realize how little I lived life. I suddenly understand what she said. About how each breath we take is special. How each beat our heart beats means so much. And I realize I broke my promise. I promised her that I'd keep breathing no matter what. But now my breath is failing.

'_I'm sorry katniss.'_ I whisper, my eyes filling with tears.

'_But maybe now I may dance among the stars.'_

And then the world goes black.


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter something or other, (I've lost track)

**So hi! Sorry for not updating for a while. I've been writing another story. (It's called wilting flowers) Go on my profile, check it out! Anyway, peoples opinion to me over pm and reviews has been to keep writing. So keep writing I shall. I do have a tendency to kill off all the main characters, don't I? So this story is now from the POV of a dead Peeta. Interesting. Also, still looking for 30 reviews guys. Come on, remember the 30****th**** reviewer gets either a special mention, or gets to pick the name and personality of a character in my other story. AND the way they die. So come on, thirty reviews. LETS DO DIS TING. 0_o Just ignore that little outburst…. **

The first thing that I think when I wake is that I'm on an air mattress. I look down. And begin to freak out. I'm just floating. In mid air. With nothing beneath me.

But it feels. So. Solid.

Now I'm really freaking out. I must be dreaming. I have to be dreaming.

_But dreams don't feel this real._

I keep looking down. Searching for anything that might help me understand what the hell is going on. And I find it. I'm looking down. At a road. The police have blocked it off. There is some kind of disgusting road kill on the road. It makes me shiver just looking at it. The police are talking in hushed whispers. It's clear they are just as disgusted as me.

And then for some reason my mother is rushing towards it. Crying and screaming. Knelt next to it, just staring at the mess. And I notice a few blonde hairs. I realize it's a human form. And suddenly I want to be sick. I suddenly start shaking, I feel so dizzy.

That form, that disgusting creature on the road, _is me. _

And it all comes back.

Cars. Sound. Running. Screaming. Pain. Crying. _Darkness. _

Those thoughts pound in my head like a never ending drum beat. The sound swelling till the drummers are pounding against my skull. Laughing as they do it. And it sweeps over me in a wave. The reason it was dark, the reason I'm floating. The reason I'm crying. _Is because I'm dead_.

Cars. Sound. Running. Screaming. Pain. Crying. _Darkness. _

I remember it all. Crying for her. Wishing I'd realized what life was whilst I still had it. Wishing I'd taken the time to admire the stars. Watch the sunsets. Wishing I'd held her even tighter. Wishing she'd never gone. Wishing I'd realized what I had when all of that was mine. But it's too late now. I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't. Because death does not wait for you to say goodbye to what you had. It just snatches you away. Right in the middle of a sentence.

But suddenly it doesn't hurt so badly. Because I remember one more thing. Katniss is dead too. Finally we can be together. And I turn and see, as I knew I would, katniss everdeen staring right through me.

My heart leaps. A lump forms in my throat. I don't know what to say. I'm finally allowed to be with her. And the thoughts drumming against my head change slightly.

Cars. Sound. Running. Screaming. Pain. Crying. _Darkness. _Hope. Love.

I walk towards her. And begin to gather speed. I begin to run. She just stands there. Looking at me. A smile playing on her perfect lips. But it is a sad smile. But I'm so near now. I reach out for her.

_And my body slams against something solid. _

It knocks me to the ground with brute force. I sit on the floor looking up. There is no visible wall or barrier. But I cannot reach her. I reach out. And my hand only touches a flat wall.

I look up at her. She is crying. I try to get through the barrier once more. It does not yield. I am crying now. I get up. Through the tears I scream and yell. I throw my body at the wall, time after time in pure anger and rage and hopelessness. And it does not budge.

Cars. Sound. Running. Screaming. Pain. Crying. _Darkness. _Hope. Love. Pain. Tears. Hurt. Crushed. Lonely.

I scream well into the night. Unaware of the thousands of stars close enough to touch. And I throw myself at the wall a final desperate time. And collapse at its base. And my last thoughts before falling into a cold sleep are:

Cars. Sound. Running. Screaming. Pain. Crying. _Darkness. _

Hope. Love. Pain. Tears. Hurt. Crushed. Lonely. Fallen.

Agony. Greif.

_Darkness. _


End file.
